7,5 Days To Go

Quite frankly? I am shitting meself. Not so much because of the wild black bears. In fact, really looking forward to getting to know them, understand them better, the privilege given to me even a professional zoo keeper doesn’t have. And it is not just bears. We are talking lynx, wolves, moose, minks, coyotes, bisons and most impressive of all cougars. 

But no I’m shitting meself. I am getting the impression that most people I will work alongside with all have degrees in zoology or at the very least have some kind of experience with proper wildlife. I mean I come from a country where the biggest animal is a cow and the most dangerous one a honey bee. And then only if you are allergic to bee stings.

Shitting myself coz I have hardly any time left to get myself organised. Why oh why am I supping beer from a can and write this?

 

 

.

8 Days To Go

FOM: Het kirren van de boerendochter, de blikken van de hoer … Hier laat ik je los, Tim. Van hieraf moet je gaan … 

 

This is a nightmare post from hell. Husten has no idea how to go about this.

 

He is leaving for the US in 8 days. To look after wild black bears. In northern Minnesota. Most of you will know coz he told you. 

 

Thing is.

He won’t be able to stay in touch other than via this blog. Coz no internet access in the cabin he will stay in. No running water and electricity either. For three months. You know all the spiel. He has milked it more than enough.

To try and impress.

 

But.

He won’t have time to e-mail you all.

Hence.

My blog.

 

Which is a problem.

Coz.

Well, he could start a new one.

 

Thing is.

He can’t be arsed with setting up a new blog. And finding out how it works. Is used to Fall On Me now.

Plus.

It’s handy for all of yous who already know he that calls himself V M Husten and fills Fall On Me. Or in some cases pretend not to know V M Husten, but are still eager to lap up Fall On Me’s posts. 

Anyway.

You know who you are: Allie (x2), Toonen, Malcolm, Jaakie, Toni, Anja, Jo, Mandie, Laura, Carly, Pitte, Angela, Zhen, Tracey, James, Andy, Geuns, Carlo, Dave, Kris, Paul (x2) and Ramon.

 

Thing is.

With naming names. Husten is bound to upset somebody. Coz he is bound to have forgotten to mention that somebody.

He apologises.

In advance.

 

Thing is.

This was going somewhere. And it isn’t.

 

FOM: Hier heeft de mens gewonnen. De arme grond verrijkt. Hier heeft de mens met zwoegen … zijn hoogste doel bereikt …

 

Ah yes. It means V M Husten has to invite people to his blog whom had previously no experience. 

With Fall On Me.

With V M Husten.

With V M Husten and alcohol.

With me.

With, for example, him shagging a gorgeous, unconscious teenage girl who loves me to bits and so does her parents.

 

Fuck it. He is gonna invite them anyway.

Invite you anyway.

 

Welcome!

He is sure you will like the pictures of the bears he will post soon. 

 

Fall On Me is not too sure whether you will like Husten’s previous posts.

 

Thing is.

Husten’s very unique style of writing.

 

Simply.

Is gonna have to pack it in, won’t he?

 

Why?

Coz.

To Husten, it doesn’t sit well with bears.

 

FOM: De liefde voor een vrouw, Tim. De oogsten van haar buik. Het winnen van de dagen. Het streven naar geluk … Met vallen en opstaan.

 

 

 

 

 

Ramses Shaffy & Liesbeth List: Pastorale (Pt.2)

I managed to keep her, X, here, in my flat, for about three hours.

Three-course meal and all. I made. I cooked.

After she finished her dessert. Asked me to call a taxi.

So.

When she left.

 

Rang up A and Boy.

To tell them why.

Don’t know why.

I rang them up.

 

Got some typical English responses.

 

“You tried your best.”

“Unlucky.”

 

Some not so typical.

 

A: You wanna come over?

H: I do. Need comforting. Boy gonna be ok with that?

A: He is asleep. You can sleep on his couch.

H: Thanks. Can’t sleep on my own now.

A: I know. You sound terrible.

H: Sorry I disappointed, yet again.

A: Just get your taxi-arse over here. You are not born to live on your own.

H: I really liked her, you know.

A: Husten, she just never liked you enough like you liked her.

H: I know, and I don’t understand. I am clever, funny, sensitive, open-minded, spontaneous …

A: You can be very lovely, and yet be so ….

H: Naive? 

A: No.

H: Over-sensitive?

A: Nooo, Husten. Unintelligent.

H: Unintelligent? As in stupid? Coming from you?

A: I am not gonna say you are a cunt now. You can come to ours, take the offer or stay where you are.

H: But you just did … called me a cunt. An unintelligent cunt. 

A: Husten …

H: I dunno A.

A: You can’t even talk without slurring, you are so pissed, once again you cannot even say my name properly.

H:

A: What’s it gonna be? Sleep on Boy’s couch or continuing feeling sorry for yourself?

H: I’m gonna go to my own bed. Breakfast tomorrow?

A: No, but, ok.

H:

A: You didn’t do anything wrong tonight, Husten. Please, just …

H: Thanks, A. Just difficult to get my head around …

A: You were yourself, like you always are.

H: Immature, an arsehole, stupid with a German sense of humour, insensitive, narrow-minded …take your pick …

A: It was just a fucking date, Husten.

H: A third fucking date with X, if you allow me to specify, A. I mean previous dates with her, as I seem to remember, involved kissing, groping, fingering, blow-jobs and all. But …

A:

H: She never let me go down on her …  Suddenly, bloody hell, I’m seeing the light, I should have realised. She never wanted …

A: I’m going now.

H:

A:

H: … ok, sorry and thanks. Ik ben het leven en de dood, you know.

A:

H: You know what lief means in Dutch?

A:

H: Of course you do. I told you.

A: (hangs ups)

 

Ik heb je lief, zooooooooo lief.

En mijn regenboog is nog altijd … 

 

 

 

 

Ramses Shaffy & Liesbeth List: Pastorale

H: I wanna die, I can’t cope anymore.

A (giggle): You are just nervous and tipsy.

H: Do you have any idea the internal turmoil I’m going through?

Boy: Have some water. X will be here soon. Sober up. She really likes you. Probably not drunk.

H: You reckon she’ll offer her unconscious private parts to me like Rachel does?

A (smiles, shakes her head, says to Boy): Whatever, but you are not gonna look this time.

Boy (laughs, very loud):  

H (trying to focus):

Boy (still laughing): I give you this, buddy, no matter how ratarsed you are, you do know how to fuck up everything, 80’s style.

H: This is gonna make sense to me tomorrow morning or at some point.

A: It won’t. But. It will make you proud, feel good about yourself, coz you forget …

H: … yeah, yeah, whatever … Listen to this.

A: Not again.

B: What this time?

 

Het Noorderlicht.

…

Vandaag span ik mijn regenboog.

…

Ik heb je lief, zooooooooo lief.

 

A: What the fuck?

H: What do you think, Boy?

B: Hmmmm.

H: Ignorant arseholes. Both of you. I grew up with this.

 

Boy: Well …

H: How long before she turns up?

A: Ten minutes before eight now, no doubt, she’ll be fashionably late …. We are going now … Husten, you will be fine … and have confidence … she likes you, you like her … just don’t drink too much.

B: Don’t ask her if she is into strangulation sex.

H: Funny. Ok. ok, ok, thank you, and get the fuck out. I will be all right.

A: You won’t.

B: He will.

…

Ik heb je lief, zooooooooo lief.

En mijn regenboog is nog altijd … 

 

So sad.

 

Who is fooling who?